Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Boating season is upon us.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.