Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
the dark web is just a goth google.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.