If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.