If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*lint rolls you awake*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”