I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“You’d better run, egg!”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working