If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
#Caturday
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating