Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.