Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too