Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
men are simple creatures