I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”