What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔