Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
You Might Also Like
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.