I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
technically true but not a great slogan