Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Breaking news:
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.