If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
You have been warned.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?