The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.