*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.