Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When he asks for feet pics
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.