my mom making me talk to relatives
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You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,