If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
#math
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.