choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide