HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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o shit
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”