[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
This guy’s not having it 😆