Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
HR said no more nunchucks.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.