Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Oh we’ve met.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”