Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
You Might Also Like
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Remember folks 😂
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
channeling her this year
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.