[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If I ignore life will it go away?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.