I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
🙄😏😂🤣
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.