PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to