Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish