[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Coffee is ready.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.