Dishonest mechanic?
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.