Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.