My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I can’t wait!
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time