My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake