Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
All excellent questions
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end