found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.