Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler