GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb