Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Body by sandwich.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.