I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.