Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Smells like a challenge to me
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.