Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
They’re the worst 😩
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.