I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
They’re really bad with fonts.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.