Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?