GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
You Might Also Like
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Just me?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.