7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
wow he looks just like him
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
the council will decide your fate
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.