God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.