EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My whole life was a lie.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!