This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
New tinder profile pic
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.